artificial intelligence

A machine could NEVER ever think or feel like us human beings . I have read something interesting in “Technology Review”. It seems that there are many explanations, about how our conscious mind works, but there is always something else to it. Something missing. Is it comparable with the soul? Well, that essay says that humans are conscious, and computers not. Computers are made to run programs, and they don’t “care” what is being computed. They don’t have imagination – don’t have a wide perspective of the whole panorama called “life”. And programs aren’t “alive”. There must be a human in front of the screen to bring it alive, or understandable. What to say then about feelings? A spiritual experience? And so on…

The author makes a clear statement on what computers do, and don’t. I agree with him. Computers could one day simulate our human reactions, based on a program. But still, it would be like cheating, duplicating our reactions. I won’t even say that they could imitate us. They would never have a conscious mind. Read the essay “Artificial Intelligence lost in the bush”, in the July/August 2007 issue of Technology Review magazine.

getting fun of ourselves

Well, I have my break now… It would be my last day of work here at Green Gulch… I’m looking forward to be free from work and being able to walk without any direction. It feels great to have a blog that it’s being read (and to be commented too!!!). Before, in Blogger, it wasn’t that way. I only got one comment in more than a year from a British woman  with a pic of her bra with holes from where the nipples sneaked out (protrudent!). In her blog, she assured she was an exhibitionist and told stories on how she bathed naked in the river in her village, (with pics of the locations) and stated that a passer by almost saw her! (she wasn’t even a good exhibitionist!)(by the way, she confessed that she found me cute).

That’s what I’m talking about: Spirituality should be more funny. I found the Zen Buddhism that is practiced here too ceremonious and stiffened. I believe this comes from the way they practice religion in Japan. Here they take it as a model to be followed (tradition, that ugly nasty word!!!). But, shouldn’t it be adapted to the times, costumes and region where it’s being practiced? I talk about any religion, not only Zen. By the way, this is a pointless matter ( as far as I’m concerned ) because I don’t believe religion could make any difference. I’m more attracted to spirituality in a wider sense – not attached to any dogma. Dogmatism is a poison… But spirituality is something that can awaken – not mesmerize people.

Let’s make jokes about ourselves. It’s the best way to observe our behavior and inner intents – exposing ourselves  (also to others) and our mistakes without feeling embarrassed nor ashamed, without trying to justify, because justifying is annoying. That could be a good spiritual exercise. I say that tentatively, also to myself. It’s so easy to fall back in boredom…

DHARMA TALK

Today I went to the talk given by Reb Anderson, one of the priests here. ( He published several books ).He is good at talking about high events in the spiritual world. One of them, the definition of a Boddhisattva ( a being that is committed to saving all sentient beings before he gets enlightened himself ) in the Buddhist context. Well, I’m not sure about if I understand this concept, because I don’t think anybody has seen such a being in this world. Maybe in another one…

But I’m being sarcastic. I felt particularly well during the talk, accompanied by all those black robes around me. Not because of that, but maybe something in the air. the silence was immense. Nobody moves. In this atmosphere it gets easier to explore into ourselves. It could be that you’re not inside, nor outside of yourself. It’s a funny thing, when you can observe some point in front of you, and at the same moment, to watch your own reactions. The brain has to split itself, and in the process, it gets more attentive. That’s the state you want to achieve in order to call yourself a “meditator”. We all want to look very deeply attentive, but the mind only wants to chatter, and nothing else. It’s like a little kid, does not give up his toys. well, maybe this is already a great thing,to be here and now attentive, because it can be that the energy for a greater leap is already here in us. But I don’t want to see myself following a very long path. I don’t want to put me in the middle of a process of evolution of the soul. Such a thing would be a mistake, because I don’t want to get lost in the process of time. Krishnamurti explained that time cannot be a mediator in our achieving a higher state of realization. That way, I can feel that any moment is good to be in here and now. For me, there’s no such a process in time, along which all the beings will evolve until the final enlightenment. I think that we should approach this problem in a different view – in a different dimension. The dimension of the highest truth. That truth says that everything is already luminous. And there is not such a division between beings. We are all one. And the Universe is only one principle. The principle of unity.

Naturally, in such a context, we can say that there is no need for struggle. We can only do one action: realizing the truth of only one. And realizing this, there no more confusion. Thus, knowledge – or wisdom. Wisdom can be a matter of substraction, instead of addition of knowledge. Krishnamurti said we have to get rid of all false conceptions and asumptions. And then wisdom will arise naturally.<p>
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meditation day 1

here I am working at the kitchen of the Zen Center, and watching all the guests (monks or lay people) in the zendo right beside my room sitting in their zafus hours and more hours!!! We kitchen crew are supposed to be “practicing the way” too. That’s to say, meditating in a way too. But in fact, I don’t do it. I’m just thinking about the clock and the end of my work for today. Then I could rest. I feel tired and sleepy. I didn’t feel so sleepy the weeks before… There are quite a lot of pretty and interesting women as guests, but I could not talk to them because they should be silent most of the time. I don’t want to be appointed as a bad guy for trying to approach women in retreat. Really, nobody wants to be singled out from the crowd and be appointed with an accusative finger. Me neither. I didn’t do anything wrong!!!!

Or maybe I shouldn’t even look at them! Just with the corner of the eye maybe… They don’t exist. They are not there. We work in silence in the kitchen. These are the orders. So, I chop quietly my vegetables. I don’t even look at other people’s work. But this entails a certain uneasiness. A certain tension. This happens at the table in the dinning room too. I don’t like it. It should be taken easy and not with so much stiffness. I’d like to be making and hearing jokes, to laugh at somebody’s stupidities. That’s a way of laughing of ourselves, and not taking us so serious.

Uffffh!!! my work for today is done. Everything is useless (that’s how I feel) and meaningless. I know it would eventually change, but it lets me exhausted to think about the eternal struggle for the $$. This critical view of mine has its origin in my mind, I know. I know that actually, everything is perfect as the Universe itself. The stars are almost eternal, the atoms inside matter are almost eternal… They might be short as a breath for God, but for us it is as if they will last forever. We might see one or two of them (stars) die, not more.

For me God is not that image we are used to imagine. It’s something implicit in matter, but not explicit anywhere else. He does not rest on a cloud. It can be a thought or the big Thought. The mind and the big Mind.

Krishnamurti and meditation

I’VE BEEN TRYING MEDITATING IN THE WAY KRISHNAMURTI EXPLAINED. IN THE WAY THAT WE DON’T EXCLUDE OURSELVES FROM THE WORLD. ON THE CONTRARY, WE TRY TO INCLUDE OUR WHOLE TREAD OF THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS IN THE MEDITATION. TRY TO MAKE IT BIGGER THAN OUR PETTY WORLD IN WHICH WE DWELL WHILE THINKING OUR DAILY “SOAP OPERAS”. THAT’S TO SAY – OUR DAILY PROBLEMS WITH THE PEOPLE AROUND US AND WITH OUR SURVIVING IN THIS WORLD.

HERE IN THE ZEN CENTER I’VE BEEN TRYING TO RELAX MY MIND AND TO FACILITATE THAT STATE OF THE MIND – WICH SUPPOSEDLY SHOULD ARRIVE IN THE “ALFA” STATE. IT MEANS, WHEN DEEPLY RELAXED. IT’S A STATE WHICH IS SEPARATED FROM THE BRAIN AND ITS CELLS. I COULD SAY, IT ENCOMPHASIZES THE BODY, MIND, BUT IT GOES BEYOND. IT’S WHAT KRISHNAMURTI TRIED TO EXPLAIN, BUT SUCH A STATE DOES NOT COME EASILY. EVEN FOR EXPERIENCED MEDITATORS, THOSE STATES ONLY COME VERY SELDOM. I CAN SAY THAT I KNOW WHAT HE TALKS ABOUT, BUT I ONLY UNDERSTAND IT INTELECTUALLY, NOT ACTUALLY. TO REALLY UNDERSTAND IT I SHOULD ENTER THAT DIMENSION OF THE MIND, AND THAT’S SOMETHING THAT ONLY AN ENLIGHTENED PERSON LIKE HIMSELF COULD DO.

NEVERTHELESS, I’VE BEEN TRYING. MY STATES I COULD SAY THAT CAN BE VERY RELAXED (OR RELAXING). IF I HAD TO TAKE A CONCLUSION ON WHAT I GOT THESE 2 MONTHS OF SITTING IN MEDITATION EVERY DAY AT LEAST 45 MIN. I WOULD SAY THAT I GOT THE NEEDED KICK TO GO ON SITTING FOR THE DAYS TO COME, WHEN I’D NEED TO START WORKING AGAIN. THE STATES OF THE MIND IN WHICH I PUT MYSELF CAN BE VERY DELUSIVE, AS THOUGHT ITSELF. I GUESS IT WOULD BE HARD TO CATHEGORIZE THEM, GIVE AN EXPLANATION, TO SEE IF THEY WERE MEANINGFUL – IN ANY CASE I CAN SAY THAT THEY WERE A MORE CLEAR STATE OF THE MIND, IN WHICH I COULD WATCH MY MOVEMENTS, MY DESIRES, ANXIETIES, FEARS – ABOUT THE FUTURE AND ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS AND LIFE. IF THEY CLARIFIED MY MIND? YES – IN THE MOMENT THEY AROSE, I COULD FEEL THE POWER. NEVERTHELESS, THE MIND STAYS THE SAME, THE “EGO” ITSELF DOES NOT CHANGE DRAMATICALLY, DOES NOT TRANSFORM ITSELF INTO SOMETHING BETTER, OR DIFFERENT. SO, WHAT IS THE MEANING OF IT ALL? I GUESS, THE MEANING IS TO LEARN THAT THERE IS NO MEANING AT ALL. IN THE MOMENT IN WHICH WE COULD REALIZE THIS IN OURSELVES, WE WOULD BE FREED FROM THE TURMOIL OF OUR LIVES. SURELLY THIS WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH CREATING A MUTATION IN OUR MIND (KRISHNAMURTI). NOT A GRADUAL TRANSFORMATION – BUT A RADICAL MUTATION, WHICH COMES IN THE MOMENT OF MEDITATION. IT’S CREATING A HALT IN OUR MIND, WHICH WOULD ALLOW THE NEW ENERGY TO ENTER IT. ZEN AND KRISHNAMURTI ARE VERY CLEAR ABOUT THIS. I BELIEVE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED ENLIGHTENMENT, AND ONLY THOSE ENLIGHTENED ONES COULD TELL US THE PATH, AND WHERE ARE OUR MISTAKES.

BUT WE SHOULD BE VERY CLEAR ABOUT WHAT WE LOOK FOR. IT’S NOT THROUGH DRUGS THAT WE COULD ACHIEVE THIS. IT’S ONLY BY OUR EFFORT, A CONSCIOUS EFFORT. AND ALSO ABOUT A CERTAIN QUALITY OF OUR HEART, WHICH MUST BE OPEN TO ALLOW LIGHT COME INSIDE. THAT’S LIKE COMPASSION COMING ALIVE IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR HEART.

Seshin! meditation time

TODAY THE SESHIN WILL START HERE. IT’S A ONE WEEK SESHIN, WITH DOZENS OF PEOPLE FLOCKING AROUND AND MUCH TO DO IN THE ZENDO AND EVERYWHERE TO ACCOMODATE THESE PEOPLE. FORTUNATELLY IT’S A SUNNY DAY. WE WILL BE MORE QUIET, SILENT THESE DAYS EVEN THOUGH I’M NOT DOING IT. I HOPE I CAN TALK TO SOME OF THEM, IT MUST BE INTERESTING. AT THAT TIME THE PEOPLE WILL BE SITTING MOST OF THE DAY (WITH PERIODS OF REST WHEN THEY CAN LEAVE THE ZENDO AND THE ZAFUS). I’VE DONE ONE DAY SITTING ONLY ONE TIME. THEY ARE GOING TO EAT IN THE ZENDO, IN TRADICIONAL, CEREMONIAL BOWLS AND ALL THE FUZZING AROUND THE CEREMONY WILL TAKE PLACE. I REALLY HATE THIS, TO PUT SO MUCH EMPHASIS ON TRADITION. YOU END HAVING TO DO SO MUCH WORK FOR NOTHING.

gay wedding

Yesterday we had something extraordinary here. A couple of gay guys got married here at the zendo. For me it was something rare to see, because I am from a time when nobody married like that. For me a gay marriage would be more of an accident. Something like – figure – a collision between two comets head on in the middle of space. Something so strange that you could not expect to see. Not only that, but also choosing a Buddhist ceremony. But here it’s California, so nobody here at the Zen Center seemed to be surprised. It was a quiet ceremony, very “traditional”, with the monks wearing their dark robes (not always black). The two guys kneeling in front of the table, making their vows. That’s ok for me, and as someone said: “every kind of love is valid”.

Soon I’ll be going to my meditation. We have 2 meditation periods – one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon is shorter, and also the service is shorter, with only one chant from the book, and less dedications. There is a longer meditation of one week called “seshin” but I’m not in it. I’ll be in the kitchen chopping vegetables and washing pots (whaaaaal!). That’s called Buddhist non-attachment. Then, my traveling back to New Jersey. Kendall told me about this WordPress, she has a blog here and I just put a link to it on this page. Her page is cool, and she has many insights on this place called Green Gulch Zen Center. I can write about it too, since I was here about 2 months working and living without leaving the place. I feel a bit like in an experiment set by a mad scientist. Just that I am both the scientist and the poor mouse. Just because I don’t feel like going anywhere. I feel just lazy, and I don’t have any curiosity about the life that runs outside this valley. Go back to my work, to my previous life? No. I feel that something is missing, naturally. Sex in the first place. A woman close to me. I remember how “romantic love” was important for me before. I still feel it – but somehow now I feel that the dream of a perfect relationship like in a wonderful movie is just that: a dream.

In any case, romantic love is something for teenagers to dream about. And this love has no way of comparison with the feeling one must get when in deep relationship with the whole Universe. So, choosing between love for the Universe, and love for a woman, I prefer to have it for the whole Universe. Of course we are idealistic, and like to imagine our lover as a perfect being, body and soul – an image that crumbles down when it comes to the wordly facts of daily life.

today I’m off from work

today I really feel like doing nothing. What kind of meditator I am? Not wanting to take this chance and sit in the zendo (meditation hall). That can’t be good and I will really regret this when I come back to New Jersey and I’d have to negociate some minutes after the work and digging some extra energy for that.
I saw Kendall again and I’m glad that she liked (so far) what I wrote in this blog. I feel like her – I miss the contact with others here. I thought candidly that coming here would allow me to express all my oppinions and hear other’s in a group activity, but Zen has nothing to do with therapy, and ego activity!!!
Kate invited me again to take a hike but I’m not in the mood. I should meditate today. For the moment being, I really want to enjoy my time off. As if I didn’t exist for the world around me. When we are off here, we are “invisible” and untouchable. Thinking about writing a story – a science-fiction story, and other things that I lately thought that I’d never try to do again due to the lack of opportunities of publishing or exhibit or so…
That’s just the activity of the mind called the “ego”. By the way, I always feel glad when people praise any of my skills. For example – yesterday Meghan ( guest student) was telling me how good my English is. I feel then that it is improving now. I can’t express how great it feels to know that I can communicate with people in their own language, and hear them say that it is so good… It is an accomplishment of my own effort, although I learned it along the years. Let’s not compare my skill with other’s.
I feel the day is fading away and I feel so sorry for not having a whole life like this, with plenty of free time to think about Life. The day is so short… Tomorrow I must work again, in the Guest House. I already have a different feeling now, thinking that I’ll be leaving soon ( in one week ) and I’ll be back in New Jersey. Back to the crazy world of cars, highways, condos, malls, advertising everywhere… In a way, this feeling of impermanence is good, liberating. I could write like Jack Kerouak in ” On the road”, forever missing to have the repetition of the experience of being nobody for himself – or being totally unknown for oneself, having no past, no future, no name, no personal history. I myself miss that experience, though very short, of waking in the middle of the night, sitting on my bed in the dark, and having erased the memory of who I am. It’s frightening…

Link to an insightful blog

blogs.bootsnall.com/grannygold
That’s the link to the blog I was talking about. She has a real passion for people. She can write properly about the adventures you can live if you decide coming to a Zen Center for a retreat.

This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together …

This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together with 2 girls (Guest Students here at Green Gulch Zen Center). We went to a distance which I didn’t really plan to go at the beginning. After visiting Pirate’s Cove and the beach, we came back, just that I disagreed about the shortest way back. They took a different track along the hills and the cliffs by the sea. I said to myself: I’m going to teach these “city girls” a man’s sense of orientation. Just that I missed a path, and ended up in Muir beach. They reached the compound and the dining room about 5 minutes earlier than me ( they were running part of the way down the hill ). Fortunatelly they had thought about me and left a plate of food for me. The kitchen had already taken the food away and I won’t be able to have my dinner.
Well… on my way back I was getting mad about myself for my lack of attention, and then a sense of futility about my feelings arose. Like – ” what a stupid thought is that of thinking about writing a blog and getting read by others. That’s just the activity of the ego; wanting always to get puffed up by every means. That’s supposed to bring me joy and pleasure. Pure egotism! I won’t write anything at all!” And then, I was thinking that the normal activity of the ego entails a desire for happiness and joy. Just that the real happiness is something permanent, it’s not just pieces of joy here and there. I get the feeling that permanent happiness is something impermanent! It always comes and goes so fast. I should talk more about happiness someday. If it isn’t a product of our ego, then it must be something real, but then, is it permanent?