WORK,WORK,WORK

THIS IS MY EGO-TRIP THESE DAYS.

back in New Jersey

Here I am. Kendall was asking me how I’d feel once I come back to New Jersey. And yes, life here is very different. It seems that all the “old way” of thinking returns the same way as before. And the “thoughtful way” of doing things (observing our reactions and surroundings) is forgotten. That was the way we were told to do things in the Zen Center. I know it’s hard to do it, even in the appropriate environment in which we were. There it was silent most of the time. The people were supportive, the friendships we were making were significant and always appointing to something higher.

Well, I was aware of this change. We feel like buried – or better, our inner being feels like buried under so many responsabilities. And our old habits return, like for ex. the way we react to others. We have this certain character and personality and it seems that it will never give up and it will never leave us alone.

The only thing I have hope for, is that I could meditate regularly here too. And that I could wake up for the awareness of the moment, at least sometimes, from moment to moment.

gay wedding

Yesterday we had something extraordinary here. A couple of gay guys got married here at the zendo. For me it was something rare to see, because I am from a time when nobody married like that. For me a gay marriage would be more of an accident. Something like – figure – a collision between two comets head on in the middle of space. Something so strange that you could not expect to see. Not only that, but also choosing a Buddhist ceremony. But here it’s California, so nobody here at the Zen Center seemed to be surprised. It was a quiet ceremony, very “traditional”, with the monks wearing their dark robes (not always black). The two guys kneeling in front of the table, making their vows. That’s ok for me, and as someone said: “every kind of love is valid”.

Soon I’ll be going to my meditation. We have 2 meditation periods – one in the morning and one in the afternoon. The afternoon is shorter, and also the service is shorter, with only one chant from the book, and less dedications. There is a longer meditation of one week called “seshin” but I’m not in it. I’ll be in the kitchen chopping vegetables and washing pots (whaaaaal!). That’s called Buddhist non-attachment. Then, my traveling back to New Jersey. Kendall told me about this WordPress, she has a blog here and I just put a link to it on this page. Her page is cool, and she has many insights on this place called Green Gulch Zen Center. I can write about it too, since I was here about 2 months working and living without leaving the place. I feel a bit like in an experiment set by a mad scientist. Just that I am both the scientist and the poor mouse. Just because I don’t feel like going anywhere. I feel just lazy, and I don’t have any curiosity about the life that runs outside this valley. Go back to my work, to my previous life? No. I feel that something is missing, naturally. Sex in the first place. A woman close to me. I remember how “romantic love” was important for me before. I still feel it – but somehow now I feel that the dream of a perfect relationship like in a wonderful movie is just that: a dream.

In any case, romantic love is something for teenagers to dream about. And this love has no way of comparison with the feeling one must get when in deep relationship with the whole Universe. So, choosing between love for the Universe, and love for a woman, I prefer to have it for the whole Universe. Of course we are idealistic, and like to imagine our lover as a perfect being, body and soul – an image that crumbles down when it comes to the wordly facts of daily life.

Link to an insightful blog

blogs.bootsnall.com/grannygold
That’s the link to the blog I was talking about. She has a real passion for people. She can write properly about the adventures you can live if you decide coming to a Zen Center for a retreat.

This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together …

This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together with 2 girls (Guest Students here at Green Gulch Zen Center). We went to a distance which I didn’t really plan to go at the beginning. After visiting Pirate’s Cove and the beach, we came back, just that I disagreed about the shortest way back. They took a different track along the hills and the cliffs by the sea. I said to myself: I’m going to teach these “city girls” a man’s sense of orientation. Just that I missed a path, and ended up in Muir beach. They reached the compound and the dining room about 5 minutes earlier than me ( they were running part of the way down the hill ). Fortunatelly they had thought about me and left a plate of food for me. The kitchen had already taken the food away and I won’t be able to have my dinner.
Well… on my way back I was getting mad about myself for my lack of attention, and then a sense of futility about my feelings arose. Like – ” what a stupid thought is that of thinking about writing a blog and getting read by others. That’s just the activity of the ego; wanting always to get puffed up by every means. That’s supposed to bring me joy and pleasure. Pure egotism! I won’t write anything at all!” And then, I was thinking that the normal activity of the ego entails a desire for happiness and joy. Just that the real happiness is something permanent, it’s not just pieces of joy here and there. I get the feeling that permanent happiness is something impermanent! It always comes and goes so fast. I should talk more about happiness someday. If it isn’t a product of our ego, then it must be something real, but then, is it permanent?

Today it’s my day off and I was reading a blog whi…

Today it’s my day off and I was reading a blog which I found very interesting . The lady (the owner of it) is here as a guest student, her name is Kendall, and she can really write. She told me about opening a blog instead of using a notebook and a pen for writing my ideas.
I didn’t see the sun for some days now. How nice it is in our memory, when we didn’t see it for a while…
My intent is to write my ideas and my thoughts as they appear and to hear their echo in the air, what people has to add to that. I believe our experiences could be worthly to others – that is the way in which we can interact with each other and teach and learn new dimensions of our souls. Many people want to be heard but less people succeed. Besides, many people who have little or nothing to say are heard and their messages are so poor in content. Others would have very meaningful and helpful things to say, and in contrast, are almost not heard. But who says that this life is fair? Even worse is when this life isn’t fair for anybody – not even for few of us. Because I think that the full potential of us human beings (the energy which lies beyond our sub-conscious mind) is being neglected.

yeah! it’s a start

Yes I’m starting by saying I want to put together 2 ways of living life with purpose – art and enlightenment (the final aim of Life).
Today it’s a foggy day here at Green Gulch Zen Center and farm, close to San Francisco CA.
I hope this bottle could be found by someone strolling at the beach. To open and to read it. Is this a cry for HELP? Not at all, and still this is a wish, a first contact with someone that I don’t know. Time passes by at this island called “ME”. It’s an island surrounded by a sea, fo course, but it’s a dark sea, like the waters of the river which crosses the depths of HELL.