There is something funny going on in me. It isn’t so different from my normal perception of the daily existence. But I’m feeling kind of bored, and this existencial burden is tickling me…
It’s like nothing makes much sense… I’m not specially attached to any cult, I don’t use drugs, I wasn’t listening to music nor TV for the last couple of months, I’m isolated here in this Zen Center in a valley, without getting out of it for that period of time. But on Saturday I’ll be leaving it – and I don’t look forward to see any of the things I haven’t. What a funny experiment this is: it’s a test on how I can live without all the gadgets that we are used to, in the normal life. I thought I couldn’t live without listening to music, whatever music… I don’t even miss computer games, nor watching TV nor movies… I miss chocolate, but I have it here sometimes, but I don’t miss meat nor fish so much… I can realize that I don’t need so many things to feel happy. But that kind of joy doesn’t come so easily, I must be in the mood, must be able to open my heart and my mind to a new dimension. That isn’t easy, I agree…I realize that I’m not feeling attached to circumstances of the outside, but I’m trapped inside my own desires… And wanting to fulfill them. There is the desire for a woman, the desire of expressing myself, through words and paintings and drawings… I thing we all have this wish of being understood and loved and admired – just like a little child… This particular kind of desires remain, I think they won’t abandon me because they are part of my personality. They are deeper needs…
