This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together …

This afternoon I was hiking to the hills together with 2 girls (Guest Students here at Green Gulch Zen Center). We went to a distance which I didn’t really plan to go at the beginning. After visiting Pirate’s Cove and the beach, we came back, just that I disagreed about the shortest way back. They took a different track along the hills and the cliffs by the sea. I said to myself: I’m going to teach these “city girls” a man’s sense of orientation. Just that I missed a path, and ended up in Muir beach. They reached the compound and the dining room about 5 minutes earlier than me ( they were running part of the way down the hill ). Fortunatelly they had thought about me and left a plate of food for me. The kitchen had already taken the food away and I won’t be able to have my dinner.
Well… on my way back I was getting mad about myself for my lack of attention, and then a sense of futility about my feelings arose. Like – ” what a stupid thought is that of thinking about writing a blog and getting read by others. That’s just the activity of the ego; wanting always to get puffed up by every means. That’s supposed to bring me joy and pleasure. Pure egotism! I won’t write anything at all!” And then, I was thinking that the normal activity of the ego entails a desire for happiness and joy. Just that the real happiness is something permanent, it’s not just pieces of joy here and there. I get the feeling that permanent happiness is something impermanent! It always comes and goes so fast. I should talk more about happiness someday. If it isn’t a product of our ego, then it must be something real, but then, is it permanent?